The Feeling of not being good enough
It feels a bit early to say this, but every now and then, I get the feeling that I’m not good enough. I’m referring to programming here.
I’m currently managing well in class, but I often have self-doubts. That doesn’t mean I’m considering giving up at all. I know I just have to keep going and not let myself get discouraged (which really means, not letting myself discourage me).
The problem
Unfortunately, these self-doubts keep me from participating more actively in class. I’m generally quite reserved, but there was a time when I was more involved. I’d actually like to participate more again, but on the other hand, I’m afraid of embarrassing myself somehow. Previously, I would mostly speak up when I felt fairly confident, and right now, that’s happening less often.
Why? Well, for one, the topics are simply getting harder, and it’s mostly the really good ones who participate. On top of that, lately, I’ve been feeling less confident and more withdrawn.
This is probably partly because I’ve been feeling so off-balance lately. Due to this annoying skin rash, I haven’t been cycling much, and there’s little time for other activities that are “just for me”. Cycling, in particular, has always been a source of balance and relaxation. But not when it causes my skin to itch all over, react sensitively to everything, or even hurt. On top of that, I’ve recently been dealing with frequent stomach aches.
Some thoughts
I’m trying to address the physical issues with an adjustment of diet — so far without much success — at least the long-awaited doctor’s appointment is coming soon.
But back to the feeling of not being good enough. When I read what I’ve written and see the sentence “it’s mostly the really good ones who participate”, it’s clear that I don’t count myself among the really good ones. I also don’t think I’m bad, but we have someone in class who has more prior experience and stands out as “very good”. He always knows the answer when the teacher asks something. I know, of course, that I shouldn’t compare myself to others, especially not to him, since he's a bit of a special case. That just doesn’t help. And when I browse GitHub and see that seemingly everyone has a broad technology stack, with some things completely unfamiliar to me, comparing myself to those people doesn’t help either.
So, I’m going around in circles. I don’t want to sabotage myself. Maybe I’m better than I think, always with room for improvement, of course. Or here’s a crazy thought: maybe you actually get better the more actively you participate in class! Sure, I might say something wrong sometimes, but honestly, so what?
Music: -
Mood: Tired