Strangely alienated

06 Oct, 2024

Ah, I don't feel like writing about the last week of retraining. We wrote a test on October 2nd. We had two hours for it, and then we were allowed to go home and now have a few days off. I hope this test turned out better than last time, but definitely not worse (though I think that's rather unlikely).

New Shoes

Otherwise: I have new shoes. Converse Chucks again after a long time. My last shoes didn't survive very long, and it was time to get new ones. This time I wanted something that would hopefully last longer but of course also fit my style of clothing.
By chance, I remembered that I used to wear Converse often and they lasted forever for me. I had a pair made of fabric - as you know them - in purple and a black pair made of leather, which was a Batman edition, I only realized that afterwards. Luckily, I like Batman. Both pairs of shoes lasted several years, so I ordered some again and they've arrived by now.

Strangely Alienated

My first two days off were planned, I had appointments, had to take care of a few things, and was hardly at home much until evening. But after that, I had a day without any plans, which I wanted to use to relax. It was strange because it was more difficult than expected. Normally, I've always been someone who never gets bored, always comes up with something, and most likely uses her free time to draw. I didn't want to go cycling that day. Somehow I wanted to draw, but somehow I also didn't know what to do with myself.

The thought of drawing something was strange - somehow alienating. I had no urge and no inspiration. I mainly wanted to draw because it's usually relaxing. But without knowing what and how, without any project, I felt a bit lost and overwhelmed, and that was no longer particularly relaxing. I can hardly start a project, as soon as classes start again, I won't have time for it anymore. That's why I unfortunately haven't continued the webtoon either. I hardly have time for it, and if I have to wait several weeks or even months to maybe be able to draw again, I'm completely out of it. And even now, when I just wanted to draw something, I felt out of it. Everything that came to mind seemed somehow pointless.

Then I remembered that it's October, and that means Inktober or Spooktober. Spooktober sounds fun, so I looked for the 2024 prompt list. There wasn't "the one list", but three, as far as I remember. And one without a date. Participating in Spooktober also feels somehow pointless. Realistically, I won't follow through with it anyway, and the pressure to have to follow through is not exactly something I want on my days off. So I decided to just take something from it that I feel like doing. After a failed sketch, I was frustrated and decided to switch back to pixel art. Somehow I find that more relaxing and the pressure is not so great. Probably because of the limitations that pixel art offers and because you are, so to speak, forced to approach the matter with calm and patience. I often catch myself rushing when drawing. I don't know why this happens to me so often, but something in me tries to get something done "just quickly" and then I usually get frustrated. Apparently, I no longer have the necessary patience, for whatever reason. I don't know how to stop this either. But pixel art helps for now. The theme I picked out is "Witchsona". I don't know if I'll do more themes, maybe I'll switch to another list. But here's my Witchsona for now:

#art #feelings