Haircuts and Reflections on Identity and the Butch Look

20 Jun, 2025

Now it’s been quite a while since my last blog post. Today I want to talk about hair — but before that, here’s a quick summary of what’s been going on in my life lately.

Previously, on my life

Sometime near the end of the C# block in my retraining course, I started getting into React. I’ll need it for the upcoming internship. I followed a tutorial and built a to-do list in React using JavaScript. Apparently, making a to-do list is some kind of rite of passage for every aspiring developer. Until now, I’d always avoided it — but now I’ve made one too. screenshot of the to do web-app I made GitHub Repository: React To-Do List

Right after that, the next class block started — this time it was about Angular. That’s why I haven’t continued with any React projects since. The Angular classes have been very intensive, with no room for anything else on the side. And somewhere in between, I had to miss two days because my wife and I absolutely had to go to Berlin for personal reasons. We turned it into a mini-vacation and stayed for two nights. It was exhausting, but fun, and we both enjoyed the little adventure and break very much. We came back on a Saturday later than planned (the train had quite the delay, and we missed our connection), and then only had Sunday off — but couldn’t sleep in. So I’ve been extremely tired all week — especially the first two days — and drank more coffee than usual as a result. Still, I had to finish the assigned class project, and today there was a test I should’ve studied more for. But I think I did alright.

Today

But now — let’s talk about hair. My hair, that is. I don’t have much to say about anyone else’s. I’ve been having an identity crisis for a while now when it comes to my hair. That might sound silly, but hair really does affect how people perceive you. I keep thinking about how I want to present myself, at least when it comes to hairstyles. Strangely, I don’t have the same issue with clothing. I’ve developed certain preferences over time — for instance, I shop almost exclusively in the men’s section, for a number of reasons. My wardrobe follows a certain color palette that I don't stray away from much. Things shouldn’t be too tight — I find that uncomfortable and in fact infuriating. I like it loose, if possible. There are a few pieces I’d like to add to my wardrobe, but there’s no rush.

But the hair?!

I’ve had many colors and cuts throughout my life — three of them made me feel noticeably uncomfortable, and I won’t be making those mistakes again. The others were between okay and nice. I used to have short hair more often, then longer hair for a while, and now I’m back to short — though short can mean many things. In the past few years, I’ve leaned toward a butch look. Unfortunately, I’ve also had some unpleasant experiences with that. I was often addressed as “sir” or “young man” or witnessed shocked reactions when someone who knew better (like family members) referred to me with a feminine title. That was awkward, though not malicious — not on purpose. But then there were the people who were downright rude or even spat right in front of my feet. I know it could be worse — and thankfully, it hasn’t been worse for me personally. Still.

But just to share a more positive moment: one day, with neatly styled, side-parted short hair and wearing a long coat, a teenage boy passed me with his friends, saluted, and said: “Commander!” That made me laugh — and actually felt a bit flattering. I doubt he meant it that way, but it still landed that way for me. I smiled about it, though I wish I had saluted back — I just didn’t react fast enough.

Those uncomfortable or discriminatory moments were one reason I tried growing my hair again. I wanted a mullet at first and gave it a go, but my wife really, really hated it. So I tried something else. Eventually, I grew it out nearly to shoulder-length, but kept short bangs — because I can’t stand having hair in my eyes. Maybe I’m a bit picky, but I absolutely hate hair in my face, and I also don’t like wearing it in a ponytail. I actually liked the last haircut (the one with the bangs). I think it looked good on me. At least others said so. But I started disliking it again and fell back into a crisis — whether I should go short again or if I would end up regretting it if I do.

Yesterday, we got to leave early for home office, so I used the opportunity to go for a ride on my road bike and used the time to reflect on this crisis.

The reflection

I’d already spent plenty of time thinking about image and face shape, etc. Supposedly, nearly every haircut works with an oval face (except micro bangs, which I’m not fully convinced about anyway). The one thing I hadn’t considered yet was: how do I actually feel?

It was hard to say how I felt about my then-current, longer haircut. But I thought of my seatmate/friend who squealed “cuuute” when I came to class with it for the first time. That made me happy. But when I showed her an older photo of me with short hair, she said “uuuuh, sexy!” So is the question now wether I want to be cute or sexy (according to her)? No, I didn’t make it that easy for myself.

I thought about how I feel with short hair. I thought about the boy who saluted — and also the nasty looks and rude comments. But despite the latter, I realized: I feel more confident with short hair. I came up with two reasons why that might be:

With long hair, I sometimes feel like I’m hiding. When my hair is short, my face is fully visible — I face the world without hiding behind strands of hair. It’s subtle, but I think it matters.
More importantly: I associate long hair with insecurity. That’s just my personal experience — definitely not a judgment on others with long hair. I love long hair on others. But when I reflect on my own history, I notice that the times I had long hair were also the times I felt anxious, unsure, and uncomfortable in myself (that is a coincidence, the hair didn't cause that, other things did). Maybe that’s just how my brain remembers it now — a subconscious association that I have. It’s something I could probably unlearn, but for now, I’ve decided: the hair has to go!

^{Gentleman Jack / Anne Lister}

Partly because of this realization, and partly because I identify more with the butch look and feel more “me” with short hair.

So, after the test today — since we were dismissed early — I rode my bike to the hairdresser and got my Commander look back. No regrets so far. When I stepped out of the salon and the view was clear — no annoying strands whipping around my face — it felt really good and freeing.

I’ll wrap up the blog post here, but not without celebrating the butch look with a small selection of images. These images come from external sources via my Pinterest board: